Blame shifting isn’t just hurtful — it’s a tactic designed to keep you trapped in confusion.

If you grew up with a strong inner critic or a deep sense of guilt, blame shifting can feel disorienting, making you doubt your feelings, your memory, and even your worth.

In this blog, you’ll discover how narcissists use blame to maintain control, how it affects your nervous system, and — most importantly — how you can reclaim your truth and free yourself from their projections.

What Is Blame Shifting?

Blame shifting is a tactic where a narcissist deflects the conversation, the blame, or the responsibility away from themselves and onto you.

Even when it is obvious that they are the one who has done something wrong, by the end of the conversation, you no longer know what truly happened — and you feel guilty anyway.

For codependents — who are naturally inclined to overanalyse, to please, and to feel responsible for others’ wellbeing — this dynamic is devastating.

It is more than simply ‘blaming someone else.’

It is a manipulative defence mechanism through which the narcissist:

• Protects themselves from shame or responsibility

• Retains power and control over the conversation

• Twists your reality so much that you begin to doubt yourself

Examples:

• “You’re always so difficult — it’s really your mood that’s the problem.”

• “If you hadn’t provoked me, I never would have gotten angry.”

• “You’re just too sensitive — you twist everything I say.”

And sometimes it happens in almost ‘intellectual’ ways:

These are not just theories.

The sentences below are actual things my ex-partner said to me — not because they were true, but to make me doubt myself:

• “You’re not taking responsibility for this relationship.”

• “You’re wearing a mask.”

• “You’re acting — it’s just method acting.”

But hear this clearly:

That is not you.

You came with an open heart, with what you knew to be true.

They came with an ego-mask. A strategy. A hidden agenda.

Everything they accuse you of — is exactly what they themselves are doing.

And that is blame shifting.

What Blame Shifting Does to a Codependent

Blame shifting strikes right into your most vulnerable places:

• Your sense of guilt

• Your fear of rejection

• Your belief that you are somehow the problem

Which leads you to:

• Defend yourself instead of feeling your boundary

• Analyse instead of feeling what is happening

• Try to ‘make it right’ — even when you have done nothing wrong

And that is exactly what the narcissist wants.

As long as you stay caught in confusion, you stay connected —

not to yourself, but to them.

But what happens after the conversation?

You walk away and suddenly doubt everything you wanted to say.

Your head spins. Your heart is tired.

You search for what you did wrong — even though you did nothing wrong.

And that feeling, that self-doubt, is what keeps you trapped.

Why Narcissists Use This Tactic

Blame shifting is a form of projection.

The narcissist cannot bear the shame or fear underlying their behaviour —

and so they project it onto you.

Instead of taking responsibility, they rewrite the story

so they can continue seeing themselves as the victim or the righteous one.

They twist reality to protect their own image.

And as long as you adopt their version of the story, their control remains intact.

If you grew up with guilt, conflict avoidance, or a harsh inner critic,

then blame shifting feels strangely familiar.

It taps directly into what you once learned:

that you are the cause of what goes wrong.

How to Recognise Blame Shifting During Conversations:

1. You start with a grievance but end up defending yourself.

2. You feel confused, guilty, or ashamed without a clear reason.

3. You doubt your feelings, even though you were clear before.

4. Your pain is ignored and twisted into being about their suffering.

What Can You Do?

When you find yourself in the middle of a blame shift, it is essential to return to yourself:

• What was I feeling before this conversation began?

• What need or boundary was I trying to express?

• Does what they are saying actually make sense — or do I feel distortion?

Write it down. Reflect. Remind yourself of your truth.

Because if someone cannot take responsibility for their behaviour, that says nothing about your worth.

From Confusion to Clarity

Blame shifting only works if you still believe you need to fix, solve, or smooth things over.

But you do not have to repair what you did not cause.

You do not have to carry guilt that does not belong to you.

You are allowed to feel what you feel.

You are allowed to name your truth.

And you are allowed to walk away from conversations that confuse rather than connect.

You are not a scapegoat.

You are awakening.